


TARDIS Rules And Regulations

by Navyblueyoucallmesexy



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, I don't know, I had Idris in mind, Kinda, POV TARDIS, Sex on the console, first smut, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 13:12:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6705712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Navyblueyoucallmesexy/pseuds/Navyblueyoucallmesexy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor and Rose like doing it on the console and the TARDIS isn't too pleased...</p>
            </blockquote>





	TARDIS Rules And Regulations

**Author's Note:**

> So I've read a whole lot of ten/rose sex on the console and yes. But what if the TARDIS was more alive and aware than we assume? What if she's not too fond of the hot couple using her as a porn location?

In all Her seven hundred years with this ridiculous TimeLord She never once questioned his mental state. Never. Not even that time he once spent singing ABBA's greatest hits for seventy three consecutive hours.

If fact, She'd never even scanned his physiology before either. Why bother? If he had any worries or doubts he'd do it himself.

Of course She always kept track of his friends, the companions. Regular scans to check he'd remembered to feed them, alien virus sweeps and such. The Doctor couldn't very well regulate these things all by himself, even if he tried. Which he didn't. Which was why it remained a duty She happily performed. Couldn't have them dying and leaving Her with a broken Doctor. She wasn't sure She could handle that again.

He'd moved on now, all pin stripes and hair. She thought maybe his new obsession with hair gel was something to do with his lack of hair in the previous body.

He was the one with the big ears and the chin. The ridiculous leather jacket and vests, as if the bad boy look would somehow help him accept the dreadful act he'd committed ( _or didn't commit, whatever, timelines)._

It didn't, obviously.

She'd find him stood in Her corridors with dead blue eyes, nothingness and emptiness filtering through the telepathic bond they shared. Or screaming and tearing rooms apart, only to have them restored to normal as he left. She liked to put things back to how they were in the rooms when he finished angst-ing all over them. It made her feel less damaged.

One night he tore apart at Her console, shouting and swearing in a language She wouldn't translate. He kicked and hit and pulled at her until She begged him to stop, but by the time he let himself feel Her distress She was bent along the railings, dials and levers strewn across the floor and the circles ( _what do they even do_ ) all smashed and smoking steadily.

As he left the room, She'd let out a soft whimper and set about recreating the console room. Something different, something darker, where he could vent his frustrations with hammers and big buttons.

She greatly regretted encouraging him to vent his frustrations.

Rose Tyler, the Bad Wolf girl had helped. She'd even strengthened the bond between Herself and the Doctor, turned the dark, brooding console room into a warm and homely place. Rose had been good from him. Too good.

The blonde child had brought up old feelings from the Doctor, but instead of burying them and eating horrific numbers of jelly babies as per his usual arrangement, the Earth girl dragged him into the way her native culture dealt with strong emotions and it was naked, sticky and disgusting.

The TARDIS groaned, the noise creaking in the wide space. They were taking their clothes off again. _Why bother wearing them in the first place? I should just drop the wardrobe off at the nearest star,_ She mumbled to Herself, pondering his reaction. _Maybe he'd finally get the hint._

"Rose," The Doctor sighed into her mouth, as his hands slid from her ass to her hair. "Rose, Rose, Rose."

This is why brain scans are essential. Yes, the Doctors speech patterns aren't exactly regular in any language, but by Her calculations, the Doctor has said ( _will say_ ) that word six hundred and fourteen times. If She hadn't seen thermal images of his mental well being, She'd say he was under some form of hypnosis.

The TARDIS was pulled out of Her thoughts as Rose Tyler's lace clad ass jumped up onto the console. Rose had looked into Her heart to save the Doctor, healed his scars and put him back together beautifully _but no._

_No. Not for the fourth time._

The console is a work space, full of intricate intergalactic doodads  and space-y technology. It's a control centre for the whole ship, the base of the TARDIS nervous system and where She feels most sentient. Not a place for repetitive human sex.

She pinged, whirred, shrieked, telling them to _get the hell off._

Neither of Her passengers seemed to be getting the message. Rose had her head leant back against Her light, the soft glow making her pink, flushed face almost purple. Her hands clawed at the Doctor, pulling him as close as she physically could with his head between her breasts.

The TARDIS attempted to look away, focus on putting the swimming pool in the library or making another squash court but they were literally on Her very centre with both minds wide open and blaring their happiness and joy and arousal.

For a sentient piece of machinery She was becoming very familiar with the sensation of arousal and it was more than a little strange.

"Docto - oh!"

The Doctor had moved further south, his face buried between her thighs. The TARDIS sighed as She felt lace knickers land over one of Her coral columns.

She brightened the lights and flipped some switches and levers in a desperate attempt for some attention. A small brown lever handle bumped against Roses' hip and, for a second, the Doctor stopped.

The TARDIS beamed - and then Rose pushed her hand into his hair and he resumed his previous task.

After the small victory She decided to take a stand and stop them. No more (No more) intercourse, unless in designated areas.  Flipping more switches, flashing lights and making clangin _g sounds. Not even pausing. They're lik_ e rabbits.

With one last huff, the TARDIS wheezed and whirred, Her lights glowing and fading. _1836, that'll do. There's probably something there,_ She chose quickly, not really caring where they ended up as long as it distracted them from their current activity.

It worked. With a great shudder, She set off though the vortex, knocking the naked pair from her console.

They collapsed onto the floor in a heap of giggles and tangled limbs. Honestly, She hoped She'd never the the Doctor from that angle. It wasn't pretty.

In a flurry of jeans, socks and shirts, the Doctor and Rose were looking decent. Well, thoroughly debauched and flustered, but no longer naked (to the TARDIS' delight). They held on to the railings as She took them along to their latest adventure.

"1836?" The Doctor asked, reading Her screen. "What - why - why 1836?"

 _Because I'm fed up with your console-kink_. She muttered, landing in 1836 with a thump.

Rose grinned, tucking her mussed up hair behind her ear and rearranging her bra. "Why not?"

Always willing to bend to Roses' perspective, he grinned back and shrugged. "You're right. She brought us here for a reason, I guess, let's find out why." He said, reaching for her hand and making his way towards the door.

"Wait." Rose called, pulling his hand back. He frowned at her but did as he was told, facing Rose quizzically. "Your tie's all backward and well, I've lost my knickers." She added in a whisper, as if anyone else would hear her. Well, the TARDIS could, but She doubted Rose was feeling coy in front of Her now.

"Ah." He said, looking down at his tie and then scanning the room carefully. ".. Its 1836, people don't even have modern underwear yet. Let's just.." He flashed a cheeky smile and pulled her along again and out of the door, Rose still complaining about lack of underwear.

"December 26th 1836... Sussex. Wait, hang on. Is this Lewes? Rose we're in Lewes!" The Doctors voice drifted back through the open doorway. "Lewes Avalanche is tomorrow!"

 _There's always something._ She thought with a satisfied whurr. In the quiet that followed She busied herself soundproofing both their bedrooms. She knew the future. She knew it was necessary.

 

Forty nine earth hours later, in a cloud of snow, Rose and the skinny one fell into the TARDIS grating groping each other and pulling clothes off cold pink skin. "Rose." They clearly weren't making it past the entry way. "Rose.."

With a great loud "Bloop!" the TARDIS made Herself known, pushing the computer screen around to face the flushed pair.

They jumped apart and laughed at themselves, the Doctors pants and shoes on the floor and Roses' top hung over the railing. "What is it girl?" The Doctor asked, ( _goodness sake, She wasn't a puppy_ ) pulling Rose along by the hand to reach the screen. "Oh." He said quietly as he read the contents of the page. "Ah, I think we pissed off my ship." _You think?_ She thought sarcastically.

"What?" Rose asked, in predictable companion style. The Doctor ran a hand through his artfully tousled hair and turned to screen to Rose to let her read. "'Rules and Regulations'? I didn't know the TARDIS had rules."

_It doesn't._

"It doesn't. This is a sassy request that we keep our 'gross, sweaty, mundane reproduction' out of the console room."

Rose pulled a face, clearly baffled. "You mean it knew that we were -"

"Yeah." He answered, raising his eyebrows and pushing a hand through his hair. Did he have to do that so often? This regeneration was incredibly vain. "Yeah, She knew and she's not happy. She's taking it out on my habits." Oh, so now the telepathic bond was at full strength, but when he's fucking Rose on the jump seat and She's wishing She had ears to cover its just white noise and _Rose_.

"But how? I mean I know it's - She's alive but She's just a computer right?" The TARDIS decided the next companion would have to be smarter (or maybe the next).

"Oi." The Doctor scolded Her, reminding the TARDIS that Rose was very intelligent. She whirred sarcastically in response. "The TARDIS is a sentient piece of machinery, She feels and thinks and, I guess technically, she's always watching."

The TARDIS chuckled to herself as Rose bent to pick up her top and pull it back over her head self consciously, folding her arms in front of her chest. "Right." She mumbled, "Okay, but I have showers on here.."

"Trust me Rose, She's not watching you in the shower." Of course the Doctor didn't know but that was a tiny white lie. The TARDIS did happen to run regular full body scans while Miss Tyler was washing. "She clearly doesn't want to see that kind of thing at all from this neat little letter." He explained, gesturing to the list of no-sex rooms.

Rose was quiet for a minute while the Doctor fiddled with some switches and flew them all into the vortex and out into space, more accurately in outer orbit of Smyslov 3.

"So.. My room isn't out of bounds?" She asked, attempting to smoothly hint but coming on more like a horny teen. Which, in reality, is exactly what she was.

"No, it's not." The Doctor replied, trying to smother the smile that was growing on his face. The TARDIS was equally trying to smother the dirty thoughts She was accidentally tuning into inside the Doctors head. She missed the old frustrated TimeLord. He never wandered around in his boxers with his tie on backwards popping boners all the time.

The young blonde grinned and practically skipped out of the room. The Doctor lasted exactly nine seconds before tearing out of the room after her, looking hilarious without his pants. He stopped by the doorway and looked back at the console with a beam. "Thank you." He burst, giving the wall a kiss. Bit odd, but She understood the sentiment. "And, well, sorry. I'll try to behave." He winked cheekily, blushing and running off to find Rose.

Behave.

As if Her TimeLord could ever behave.


End file.
